Help for another poem “Heisted Lands”

The cry for fair play on heisted lands,

Echoes through the grim sight unseen.

A leader of the silent proud stands,

Sorrow joins him, against the horse he leans.

 

Plead for justice much infringed

by those with unmerited control,

with bullets through hearts of the astringened,

accompanied with ruthless actions extolled.

 

The leader accosted the danger ahead,

And achieved the unnecessary fray.

He kisses goodbye those who’ve shred,

upon Mother Earth they lay.

 

He looks to the sky in sought of forgiveness,

And touches the blood stained grass.

His cheek steals a tear with the absence of blitheness,

His heart becomes heavy like brass.

 

Honors will await the white, callous man,

One of many whom expressed their scorn

For the leader Crazy Horse’s heisted lands,

And spawned the Lakota’s curse of Little Bighorn.

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Please revise! My potential entry for a poetry contest “Happenings”

If I am not

Me,

Who am I?

Am I a person in a body?

I speak and I think,

I move from here to there.

No, that is not

Me.

How is my body me,

If I know how to walk,

Yet lose the ability a moment more?

How are the thoughts in my head

Mine,

If I don’t know what I will think next?

I stop to silence my mind,

But I can’t.

If that’s what I want,

Why can’t I obey

Myself?

I always see who I thought was me,

But,

It is no more than an outer shell

Looking back.

My words express who I am,

Yet,

My thoughts turned to words

aren’t really

Mine.

I don’t control what comes next,

Nor can I.

I am simply used to occupy a space,

and I am given

Me.

Is myself the occupant inside?

No,

I don’t actually exist.

What controls who I thought I was,

is not who I thought I’ve always been.

What I do and what I feel

Are merely happenings, right?

I can’t make myself fall asleep,

Sleep simply happens.

I don’t force a breath in and out,

Breathing happens on its own.

But if I am not

Me,

And if I’m not driven by

Myself,

Who is those happenings,

Who happens to be

Me?

A Cherokee Legend that’s saved my…sanity?

There is an old Cherokee legend that some know and some don’t, even though it is quite popular. Here goes:

Two Wolves

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life.

“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.

“One is Evil. He is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.”

He continued, “The other is Good. He is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

“The same fight is going on inside you, and every other person, too.”

The grandson thought about it for a minute.

He then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”

The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”

 

Lately, 2+ years of hatred, resentment, greed, self pity, envy, and sorrow has built up in me. Little by little, I “fed” that Wolf, making it stronger and stronger until it grabbed me and didn’t loosen its hold. My ex, Alberto, has a child on the way and is marrying his current girlfriend. I first found out about the child, and I went through two of the most painful days I’ve experienced. Then, just a week and half ago, I found out about his wedding. I fell apart, and looked at every moment of my life since I met him June 1, 2013. My stomach dropped every time I thought of him, and I couldn’t stop thinking about all the pain and false sense of reality he put me through. All of the failed promises, the words he would say because he knew I only wanted to hear them, and the hidden details he kept from me. For the last four years, I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Of course, every single person on this earth that lives and has ever lived has had at least one good quality. I lied to myself and gave him hollow excuses. Whenever someone would try to point his selfishness to me, I’d close my eyes and ears because I refused to believe it.

All in all, I prayed to the Wakan Tanka, or the Great Spirit, asking many times for strength to improve my mindset, to help me open my eyes and ears to the world all around me, past and present.

For the record, the Native Spirituality is not considered a religion, but a way of life and type of mentality. I know there are atheists that may see this, Christians, Jews, etc, so I am not preaching or rambling on about believing a book full of unproven stories. The Wakan Tanka is not a “God.” It is…everything. Everything in this world, every rock, tree, animal, wind, light. Mother Earth is the provider. We can pray to the Wakan Tanka for what we wish from the whole universe, or we could pray to a specific energy (i.e. water, rain, animals, sun, etc.).

I have always truly believed that we can ask questions in life, we don’t have to understand every aspect or what happens to us. But, we cannot demand an answer, because the Spirits will show us the answer when it is the appropriate time, when we can best understand the reason. As Black Elk had said, “When that Spirit comes, we don’t ever ask questions; If I don’t understand, I just hold onto it. Then later down the road, maybe in a couple of years, I understand what that Spirit meant.”

When I prayed, I prayed many times for many days. I wished for peace on the anger and confusion I’ve built up and questioned within the past few years. I wished for the ability to open my senses and I refused to continue blind. What happened?

A couple days ago, all of a sudden, I stopped what I was doing and sat for a moment. It was weird, not some supernatural bullshit, but…something inexplicable.

All of a sudden I could make sense of each confusing component I had questioned and could not let go. I could see myself and what I’ve experienced all at once, but in a third person point of view. What I was able to see, in a way:

Alberto was extremely selfish. He told me what I wanted to hear throughout the whole relationship, even if he felt it was the truth in that moment or not. He didn’t care about anyone but himself, he worked hard yet took advantage of what he could. He had no empathy for anyone else’s troubles, nor could even fake caring. He told me he truly loved me, which I knew he meant it, but his own ego got in the way by doing what he wanted in the moment and refusing to think about how the consequences would turn out or how it would affect those around him. He left 11 days after my father passed, knowing he was unable to return to continue the future he had promised me. As he was 1200 miles away from me, his love diminished little by little, and didn’t recognize how his lack of effort was pushing me deeper and deeper into a tunnel without the light at the end. I went through real emotional Hell, and he simply didn’t care. Now, with his new girlfriend, he sleeps with me whenever he comes to see me (yes, my fault too, and I’m getting to that), and I know for a fact he continues to flirt and spread his attention to other girls. I know he sticks with her because she is easy to deceive.

Throughout this time, I have done harm to others and especially to myself. I believed the quote, “You don’t drink poison and wait for it to kill your enemy. Stop hitting walls and plan your revenge.” Guess where that’s from. It was a mistake that caused me to run in circles over and over again, living in an endless wrath of anxiety and hate.

I saw this at that moment. I saw myself anticipating disappointment, getting weaker and weaker until I shriveled up into nothing. I saw myself impatient and without an ounce of hope of getting better. I saw myself simply…unhappy.

After praying time and time again, after following the same path, after being so naturally stubborn, I was finally shown what I have waited and pleaded for. I had fed that Wolf until it was obese and happy, while the other sat in the corner slowly lying down, lowering its head in despair, skin and bones, and full of scars and wounds.

It is amazing to believe that this wasn’t a dream, dragged out within a whole night’s sleep. It was as if 4 years passed within a second. It was clear, and wasn’t initiated by a beg, or a specific action, I was only cleaning a horse stall. Completely and utterly weird, right?

Now I’ve seen the truth. I was given what I had desperately wished for. I could open my eyes and ears to not was physical, but emotional as well.

All of us have questions that cause us to run in circles. They may be simple rare thoughts, or ones that engulf our entirety, but they are there. And we all will receive our answer, whether it be in an expected time, or an unexpected moment. Usually, we think the answer will consist of what will happen in the future, that we will receive or experience something that will make everything okay. We expect it to tell us exactly what we need to do or say or think.

But it will instead consist of the past. It will have us experience again what had caused our confusion in another point of view. It will open up what we had closed, and let us interpret what we had looked for. Our strength and power comes from within, to close those doors and turn the other way. There is no one else who can tell us to do this, nor force a thought into our head. Not God, nor the Wakan Tanka, nor any other deity one may believe in. They only lead us to a certain point, show us the cause, then let us go free to decide the next step. Many say that only time will heal our wounds, but it isn’t time that makes us well again.

We feed the Good Wolf, we comfort it, nourish it, and treat its pain. Little by little, it will grow strong and fearless, only to not defeat the Evil Wolf, but to overpower it. It may be difficult, as healing does not happen in a second. It may take days, months, or years, and all we can do is focus our attention and continue our consistency. The Evil Wolf will always be there, but over time it will grow weaker and its influence will have no impact.

I have finally experienced a true moment of peace and serenity. I haven’t felt this lately, may ever. I can finally be happy for him, finally let go what I had held onto so tight. And all along, I only needed to sit and wait, and focus on feeding the Good Wolf to win the fight.

A (Not So) Political Rant

I, for one, am so sick and tired of the political division that seems to be getting worse and worse.

As Criss Jami stated, “The problem is politics is made a sport, almost as much a sport as football or baseball. When it comes to politics, adults and politicians do more finger-pointing and play more games than children ever do. Too often are we rooting for the pride of a team rather than the good of the nation.”

It is so true. Whenever I see posts on facebook or any social media talking about the government, politics, policies, immigration, unemployment, etc., it is so amazing to actually see people defend racism, white supremacy, and taking peoples rights to be on a certain side of an invisible border. Then I see others on the complete opposite, who are no better. They blame and point fingers, criticize every little detail about everything, and never make a valid, fact-filled point on their argument.

Then, when I get sucked in because of the most outrageous comments I see, I make a statement. I don’t point fingers, only bring historical facts to the table with strangers I will never meet. I immediately regret my decision, but I still feel as though I need to make my point. I’m not saying that everything I say or do is the right thing, only that there are some things I see that people who are unimaginable ignorant and arrogant stand up for, and I cringe and am left in confusion as to how someone could actually think this way.

I once made a comment noting on the Native American Genocide, how land was stolen, forcing religion onto others took place, death as the quick solution to the resistance put up when the natives chose to stay to their old practices, and many more actions taken. The plainly horrible, bloody truth. The reactions? Comments saying, “that old BS native argument” and “doesn’t matter, I was born here so I’m native”, etc. This, a perfect example of the ignorance of our country. I can’t stand it, I’m going crazy from it. I am so close to deleting my facebook and instagram and just living life without the influence of America’s arrogance. But, it is my main type of connection to many people I am close with, so I am forced to keep my accounts open.

I just am so done with this political division, because it is leaking into every aspect of everyone’s lives. It makes me angry and have contempt with life, which is what I try to keep from doing. I am obviously not a fan of an idiot who paid his way into the presidency, and I can only hope for a little more peace from everyone’s opinions.

A Good Ass-Kicking

Last Friday, I woke up with inexplicable extreme pain all over my body. I shriveled up like a dead bug trying to escape the body-wide-unified muscle spasms. On top of it, I was nonstop vomiting all morning.”This isn’t normal, but it’ll pass.” I was driven to the Urgent Care, too sick to drive, and was diagnosed with Gastritis. A dose of anti-nausea medicine and antibiotics and I’ll be ok within a day or two like all the other times. But the pain got worse and ibuprofen wasn’t enough anymore, so I made a trip to the ER.

I arrived at 12 a.m. to the ER and barely made my way inside. 6 samples of blood, a 30 minute painful spinal tap, and multiple doses of pain medicine later, I was diagnosed with Dengue Fever. What is that? It’s just a simple disease that is transferred by mosquitoes in tropical climates. It attacks the nervous system of the body, causing reoccurring fevers, severe vomiting, extreme muscle and joint aches, loss of appetite, a migraine one couldn’t even wish on their worst enemy, and more symptoms. There’s a 25% chance of getting what’s called Severe Dengue Fever, which could potentially cause permanent side effects, such as brain damage and liver disease. 1% change of death. The best part? No antibiotics, no pain killers, no treatment to make the experience bearable. All one can do is suffer through the pain for 3-7 days, and recover from the after-effects the following weeks.

I left the ER with Tramadol, expecting just a couple days of being sick and then returning to my normal routine. What happened? Well, now on day 7, and I was able to leave the house for about an hour before I had a vomiting fit and a migraine that made me unable to look at light. Sounds nasty, but is actually a large improvement. Earlier this week, starting on Sunday, I was in such poor shape and a large amount of pain, I needed help to walk to the bathroom to throw up. I couldn’t walk, eat, drink, or barely talk. I called my mom a few times a day to scream about the frustration and pain I had. From just a simple mosquito bite, I went through one of the toughest challenges I’ve put my body through, and probably murdered my immune system.

A tough ass-whooping and reality check has reminded me that once things are going great, we always have to be stopped by a challenge. And I will always recommend to everyone that there’s no such thing as too little amount of bug spray.

P.S.

P.S. Mitch Albom is probably my favorite writer EVER. Definitely a go-to to read his quotes to feel better about, literally, anything.

If only I could write like him. Maybe sometime in the future.

I am Free.

As Janis Joplin said it best, “Freedom is just another word for ‘nothing left to lose.’ Nothing doesn’t mean nothing if it isn’t free.” Our paths are meant to be full of pain, sorrow, and happiness. We will be happy, balanced, and then shocked when our hearts feel something different than our minds. Some may have more sorrow than happiness, others may have more happiness than pain. It is obvious, we all know this. Yet, we still get surprised when change strikes us in the face.

We can only illusion our sense of reality so much, but will eventually see what really is there, whether we accept it or not.

The Pandora Box can come into play with this too. When the box was opened, all the darkness and negativity that could ever be imagined was released into the world. The horror, no matter how big or small, came into our lives. Yet, the little bug, Hope, followed, tempering the sorrow. Only Hope can drive us to continue. Sometimes we may believe in it, others give up.

News came to me and I have been devastated, haunted in memories and far, far suppressed feelings I pushed away for years. I won’t say any details, I can barely think at this point. But Hope is all I can hold on to. It is all that can keep me going. Moving on. Believing.

I have lost a lot in my life. I have gone through trauma that no one I know has experienced. I haven’t seen it on T.V., I haven’t seen it in real life, no where where I can relate my pain. My body is so sore, and I was even recovering a bit until last night.

As the Great Wakan Tanka teaches, “When that spirit comes, we don’t ever ask questions. If I don’t understand, I just hold onto it. Then later down the road, maybe in a couple of years, I understand what that spirit meant.”

I feel as though I have lost everything emotionally. I have lost the sturdiness I had before, the integrity, the courage, everything. Yet, I know it will make me stronger.

I am Free.